I don't even know where to begin so I'll just dive in. On Tuesday a guy I dated a few years ago stopped by. We've remained friendly and would say hi every now and then. We realized when we were dating that we really were not a good match for eachother. We have similar interests but he would like to be a dad and I have no desire to have kids. I cannot have kids so it has never really been an issue for me. I had had surgery about a year before we met and was struggling with my body image and sexuality with a stoma. We were attracted to eachother and Brian became my lover for awhile. I will always be grateful to him for reminding me that I am a woman with a stoma, not a stoma with a woman attached.
When he found out I went into renal failure and ended up back on the IV nightly, he didn't know what to think. I think he can't wrap his head around the whole situation because he really hasn't been around me while I'm getting my fluids. . or long enough to understand that I'm not home bound--or dying. We lost contact for awhile. I think he called a few months ago out of the blue, then called asking if he could stop over on Tuesday. He was nearby (he lives about an hour from me) and just wanted to pop in for a bit. .
It was a nice visit. He stayed about 2 hours. There is still chemistry between us, but we were both trying to read the other so it was a little uncomfy. I cannot deny that I enjoyed his visit, and it was good to see him. . . until I saw the way he looked at my box of IV fluids. It was a look of saddness, sympathy, and confusion. It was a reminder of reality and I struggle with someone looking at me like they think I'm dying. I'm not. I can't deny I'm not well, but you can still be ill and have quality of life. Some days are better than others and you can be very healthy and not have quality of life just as easily as someone who is ill.
When Brian left, he gave me a hug and held me a little closer than a friend would, and far longer. I can't say I pulled away or tried. When he left, he left me reeling wtih confusion. I felt a little relieved that he didn't assume he could fall back into a position of being lovers, and I have to admit that part of me was expecting to have to discuss not going down that road at this time. What I did not expect was to feel so--- I can't really put it into a feeling or even a word. I just realized that I missed a man's touch. Granted he didn't really touch me, but I miss the physical intimacy of a relationship. I miss being held close, I miss feeling someone's arms surrounding me like he's protecting me. . there was this part of me that had to step back and ask if it was Brian's touch or touch. I realized I missed a man's touch. . . yet I don't have the energy to put into dating nor the desire to deal with the creeps. I haven't thought much about my relationship needs since Brian and I drifted apart and to be honest, I didn't expect to have any feelings of seclusion pop up and having them threw me for a loop.
After spending some time trying to sort it all out, I confirmed that I am comfortable with my current relationshipless status. I've done the Internet dating thing and wow. . it's frightening.
I like being single, but then I get these reminders of basic needs that I miss more than I think. I can't say I'm opposed to dating, but I can say that right now, I just don't want to. I'm not going to worry about what ifs, and if something happens where Brian and I slip back into bed. . well, so be it. Knowing Brian and myself and our past, we both are aware of where we stand with eachother so there would be no one hurt. Besides, maybe it would do us both a world of good. Time will tell.